I never want to forget this feeling.
I was the class monitor in primary school. I was a prefect that guarded the gate just so I could aid teachers in carrying their coffee. I was also the model student, twice in consecutive months (Which was an impossibility. Just so happened that there was a system fault..)
I was a prefect in secondary school, in fact almost head-prefect if not for the fact that I was chosen to be the drum major of my band. I was practically my art teacher’s most favourute student. I was widely loved. I had a girlfriend that I thought I would eventually marry one day and I had fame and status. I had slightly above average grades as well, amazingly enough.
In JC, I had decided not to take on any leadership role and focused on studying. The relationship gave me all the reason to isolate myself and when it did not work out, push me further into isolation. This turning point led me to have my eyes opened and my service to God in church began. I became a cell mentor and served as an emcee at the same time. I was leading both on the ground and on a public platform. I even got to emcee for major events like R-AGE 10th anniversary and Rhema 07 and 08.
I served my national service as an artillery officer while serving in church as a Regional Leader at 20 years of age. Rarely does this ever happen. As a fire direction officer in 21SA, I had to lead officers who were my peers, including sergeants and men that are older than myself. I had the privilege to work together with a SAFOS scholar and I got to share his limelight in the process.
At age 21, I am serving as the lead Regional Leader for the G2 sec1s as well as the assistant Community Overseer.
Finally at age 22, I am serving as the Community Overseer for G2. The same role that my brother is playing at G1 even though he has years of experience as a Regional Leader there.
It all sounds fantastic and rosy. But never in my 22 years have I ever felt so inadequate, so useless, so wrong. so alone, so sinful, so selfish and worse still, so hypocritical.
I do not deserve all these opportunities more so than a great number of people I know. And reviewing my actions in the process, I do not even see how all these successes can be credited to myself. How could I have been so proud? How could I have carried myself like that irregardless whether I was interacting with a junior or peer? How could I ever see myself as a good leader or as one who has done anything good, let alone great?
I guess this was how Apostle Paul felt. It is in light of God’s grace, that I feel like so.
I feel inadequate, yet called. I feel so useless, yet so wanted. I feel so wrong, yet so righted. I feel so alone, yet never actually by myself. I feel so sinful, yet so loved. I feel so selfish, yet so humbled. I feel so hypocritical, yet so forgiven.
I humbled before the cross. I owe it all to Jesus. He is the reason why I experience so much. He is the reason why I am alive.
I never want to forget this feeling.
