I never want to forget this feeling.

I never want to forget this feeling.

I was the class monitor in primary school. I was a prefect that guarded the gate just so I could aid teachers in carrying their coffee. I was also the model student, twice in consecutive months (Which was an impossibility. Just so happened that there was a system fault..)

I was a prefect in secondary school, in fact almost head-prefect if not for the fact that I was chosen to be the drum major of my band. I was practically my art teacher’s most favourute student. I was widely loved. I had a girlfriend that I thought I would eventually marry one day and I had fame and status. I had slightly above average grades as well, amazingly enough.

In JC, I had decided not to take on any leadership role and focused on studying. The relationship gave me all the reason to isolate myself and when it did not work out, push me further into isolation. This turning point led me to have my eyes opened and my service to God in church began. I became a cell mentor and served as an emcee at the same time. I was leading both on the ground and on a public platform. I even got to emcee for major events like R-AGE 10th anniversary and Rhema 07 and 08.

I served my national service as an artillery officer while serving in church as a Regional Leader at 20 years of age. Rarely does this ever happen. As a fire direction officer in 21SA, I had to lead officers who were my peers, including sergeants and men that are older than myself. I had the privilege to work together with a SAFOS scholar and I got to share his limelight in the process.

At age 21, I am serving as the lead Regional Leader for the G2 sec1s as well as the assistant Community Overseer.

Finally at age 22, I am serving as the Community Overseer for G2. The same role that my brother is playing at G1 even though he has years of experience as a Regional Leader there.

It all sounds fantastic and rosy. But never in my 22 years have I ever felt so inadequate, so useless, so wrong. so alone, so sinful, so selfish and worse still, so hypocritical.

I do not deserve all these opportunities more so than a great number of people I know. And reviewing my actions in the process, I do not even see how all these successes can be credited to myself. How could I have been so proud? How could I have carried myself like that irregardless whether I was interacting with a junior or peer? How could I ever see myself as a good leader or as one who has done anything good, let alone great?

I guess this was how Apostle Paul felt. It is in light of God’s grace, that I feel like so.

I feel inadequate, yet called. I feel so useless, yet so wanted. I feel so wrong, yet so righted. I feel so alone, yet never actually by myself. I feel so sinful, yet so loved. I feel so selfish, yet so humbled. I feel so hypocritical, yet so forgiven.

I humbled before the cross. I owe it all to Jesus. He is the reason why I experience so much. He is the reason why I am alive.

I never want to forget this feeling.

Overwhelmed

But concerning Israel he says,
“All day long I have held out my hands
to a disobedient and obstinate people.” (Romans 10:21 NIV)

I believe that God’s tone in this verse is not entirely one that is angry or disappointed. But one that desires for His people to recognize His love for them. When I first read this, His posture just entirely BAFFLES me. OH MY LORD, who are we that you would stretch out your hands so patiently. Your love is simply OVERWHELMING.

My mind of late has been very preoccupied with school and other commitments. Regrettably, I have not given enough time for the word of God to go through me.. This pains my heart.

But just today, after having had a long day, I felt the need to just head home instead of hanging out with the bros to catch a match. And I really do enjoy being with them!

As I spent time at home in my room alone, I definitely had work to do. But above all, I wanted to do my devotions. Somehow I felt prompted to take a break. And even just go onto Facebook. Amazing ya. I then chance upon a video about a man who was born without limbs but has devoted his life to reaching the lost. And when I watched it, I was moved to tears.

Not because of his testimony. But because of God’s beautiful love. “Wow” was all I could say. God gave him such a love that it overwhelmed his need for a normal life. He did not need limbs. He has all he ever need. God..

I am reminded that work is not what overwhelms me. But it is the love of God. It is the posture He adopts that breaks my heart to know that there is no way I can repay His love. At the same time, it brings immense joy to me.

Would you overwhelm me daily oh Lord? That you would be the very reason why I would do, what I do. I love you. I want to love you more.

Stronger together

30/07/2011 was the day I preached my first sermon. And this experience was a bitter sweet one.

The process to preparing the sermon started exactly a week ago. Having spent the free time I had while I was in Australia on getting acquainted with Doug Phils’ transcript, my brother and I decided that it was quite a bad sermon. His points were vaguely explained and the examples just did not serve it’s purposes. It was simply, disappointing. Much work had to be done and we put in the effort to brainstorm together.

At the beginning, the process of writing this sermon was surprisingly, enjoyable. I enjoyed it because I enjoyed bouncing ideas off my brother. We have so much natural chemistry that our ideas could be as radical as we would want it to be and still we believe that we could implement them. We eventually came up with the main idea that we want them to DOTA with one another. For the longest time, we have (humorously, not necessarily literally) associate DOTA with fellowship. It may not be bibical, but it definitely united the brotherhood from a long time ago till now. The excitement grew as the sermon began to take shape and the points firmed up.

Did the sermon just came together by itself so easily? DEFINITELY NOT. We met obstacles on the way. The points needed to fit the acronym of DOTA and we faced SO much problems finding an A. Furthermore, the points were too close together, in the sense that if we wanted to explain the first and last point in a complete manner, they would have many application that overlaps each other. That headache affected me until it was Tuesday. I then decided to complete it once and for all and submit my transcript to the pastoral team.

I then felt free! Free like a bird! Free from the stress of having to constantly think about the sermon throughout the week.
Until I met Joey on Friday afternoon to go through the sermon..

Joey was precise in all the points that he brought up. He scrutinised my transcript from top to bottom, from phrasing to choice of words, from expository to illustration, then to application. I was sad. I was not disappointed with myself. I was actually happy that I’ve been given such good pointers to ensure that I do what would benefit the youths at G2. Excellence was what I wanted. But when I found out that I had SO much to work on, I knew that I had to panic soon.

I then head for leaders’ circle and I soon realised that the sermon was on my mind throughout the entire time. The constant thought that time was running out was stressful. But I was very thankful for my cell mates, especially Nigel, who suggested to my region to pray for me. It was very comforting to know that I’ve support from them. Caleb was another one who offered to help me with my slides. Because of them, I immediately felt.. stronger.

That night was crunch night! I had to wreck my brain to try to make all the points make sense. I was constantly reading my sermon, thinking of improvements and praying under my breath in the spirit. I was begging the Holy Spirit to give me the word. As the night approached 3am, I felt that I was about 89% completed (Don’t ask me how I got to that number) but I was still not satisfied. But I had reached a point of saturation that my mind just could not function anymore. I decided to rest and complete it the next morning. Having sent out my transcript to David and Caleb to aid me in printing it, I thought I was the only one that would be severely lacking sleep the next day. But little did I know that Caleb was also up till around that time, trying to ensure that the slides were excellent.

The next morning, I rushed down to meet Caleb to run through the slides with him. While on the bus, my mind was constantly on the sermon and I was then still seeking the Lord for the word. And then it hit me. I found the phrasing, I found the structure of my sermon and I found satisfaction. This meant that I had to re-redo my sermon structure. I spent the morning till after lunch which was around 1:30pm, touching up on my transcript. And then I realise that it was finished! A great sense of joy flooded my heart. I finally could relax on the stress I had about the content. I could now move on to the stress I had regarding the delivery.

I transferred the transcript to Caleb’s laptop and only had a good read of the entire final product near 2:30pm. I somehow had great inertia in wanting to read through my whole sermon, maybe because I knew that I would be more nervous. I decided to just spend the time seeking God and committing the service into His hands. I somehow was very relaxed about the delivery. I was in fact confident. Nevertheless my heart still pounded hard and fast as the time approached. When Joey appeared at the service hall, he took a look at my sermon and was very pleased. He began commenting on how it is excellent and straight to the point. That gave me a great sense of relief. It was a divine indication that the word was from God.

Finally I was up at the front of the hall standing behind the pulpit. I was cautious about so many things. How I was standing, how I was holding the mic, was I keeping my arms too close to my sides, was I swaying too much from side to side, did I hide behind the pulpit too much, did I attempt to use the space of the hall, and most of all, was I reading too much from my transcript? It bothered me. But somehow I was not affected. I just spoke the words and they all seem to flow out pretty nicely. At some points I had the shepherds indicating to me to slow down and I did (when I emcee, I rarely notice these kind of signals and when I do, everyone will notice it too. But this indication went so naturally for me.). I noticed that the crowd was turning dead and that a few of the youths were yawning. It bothered me. But somehow I was not affected. And as soon as it started, it was time for the alter call.

When I first opened the alter for the youths to respond, no one responded. It was quite a sad moment. It was, to me, an indication that my sermon had not convicted anyone. But after I rephrased the alter call, 2 responded. And after that, they all just kept coming. Joey took over the alter call from there and after issuing the third and fourth alter call, we had a very good crowd that responded. It brought so much joy to see the word of God really impacting their lives.

It was finally over. And the great stress that I felt, fell right of my chest. Thereafter, I had numerous youths coming to me and affirming me that my sermon was both entertaining and convicting. They really enjoyed it and felt the movement of the Holy Spirit. What surprised me the most was that they all though that I was a natural, that I did not seem frightened at all. In the words of pastor CX, I preached like a pro. WOW.

The whole process was a bitter sweet one. The bitter time came when the sermon had to be prepared. And the delivery felt sweet for it was then that I could really feel the Holy Spirit at work not just in my life but in the congregation as well. Well I could attribute this victory to my experience both as an emcee and having preached/shared at pre-teens before. I dare say that I was confident that I would have delivered it well. But I believe that that is definitely not the case. Just like how I needed God through the planning process, I needed Him as I was preaching as well. I believe that He was the one who calmed my nerves, connect the points in my head and allowed me to speak with clarity. I believe that I am merely a vessel.

This whole process reminded me of the prophecy that David’s father had for me. He shared that I will become a really good pastor in future. I have never actually taken this prophesy serious. It is not a goal for me that demands excellence in ministry nor is it a calling that I have already received. But now that my first sermon is preached, it does seem like God is preparing me for a greater purpose. Ultimately I believe that I can only get to where God wants me to be, only if I have stronger together relationships. If not for people like my brother, David Choo, Caleb Kay, Nigel and my region, Joey and the other shepherds, pastor Cuixian and all the others that have interceded and cheered me on, I believe that I would not have been that successful. It is because of them that I am stronger myself. And I thank God for each and every one of them.

To God be all glory!

 

Impressions

Today I’ve matriculated and am a proud student of the National University of Singapore. Looking back, God has really been faithful, while I have been really lazy. You could say that I have been extremely phlegmatic about where I would end up studying in, which I do not totally deny, but I would like to say that I’ve been trusting in the Lord for allowing me the chance to study in NUS. All honour really goes to Him!

But that is not the main story. I went to matriculate on my own, not because I’m a loner but because I really had no idea who else would be studying there. (Ok maybe I am a bit of a loner..) But as it turns out, I bumped into 4 different friends that were from 3 different times of my life.

Friend 1: Keith Tan
Keith Tan and I were from the same squash team in JJC. He was the captain and I was one of the lousiest player they had. We were worlds apart. He was popular and well liked, while I kept a pretty low profile in JJC. I recall meeting him once again while I was serving as an usher at SAF day just last year. I had just commissioned not too long ago and he had passed out as a commando man. It was interesting to have met him then. I of course had much pride being so far ahead of him in terms of rank, but when I look back, he is indeed a remarkable person.

Friend 2: Yao Qianying
Qianying was my band junior and if I’m not mistaken, just one year my junior. I was wondering through the matric fair and walked into her stall. Though it has been, at least, 4 years since I have last seen her, she still looks the same – Big wide smile that makes her eyes disappear. We had a short chat about how our lives progressed and it was very nice to have met a band junior once again. We both concluded that it is awkward that she is now my senior when she was my junior in school.

Friend 3: Kenny Low
Kenny Low was another friend in squash. Unlike Keith (Tan), he was not amazingly good but still, better than I was, or ever will be. I’m not melancholic by the way, just stating a truth – that was how bad I was. (Thank God I’m alright when it comes to tennis.) Anyway I recall him to have always had an air of a gentleman. Really nice guy to be around. It was nice to bump into him again while I was exiting NUS.

Friend 4: Daniel Ng
Daniel Ng was a character that I met in OCS while I was in Echo Wing. He OOC (Out-of-course) pretty late into service term and as I recall, was going through a tough time. I cannot remember the full details but I recall that it somehow had to do with wanting to complete OCS but not being able to because of some spine issue. I remember that we had a few good times chatting about many things, even his relationship with his girlfriend. But the one thing I vividly recall is that I tried to deter him from smoking. Having not seen him for the last, close to, 2 years, I have no idea at all how he is doing. I was heading out of NUS and had only the sermon on my mind and as such only waved to him when we walked pass each other. He saluted me, out of respect, I hope.

These are the impressions of the 4 friends that I bumped into. It was nice to know that ALL of them called my name out and wanted to converse with me. When they had all called me, I sincerely could not remember ANY of their names, even Keith’s. I believe that I have a really bad memory when it comes to names. But beyond that, this got me thinking of the impressions that they have of me – Could it be that I have made a good impression to them while I had spent time with them throughout my 3 different phases of life? Well I wish I did. I really do. And if I had not, then I really do regret it. But this I would not know until I get to know them better.

Did they make an impression on me? Yes they did. It just needed a little bit of jolting. I am proud to say that it took me only 3 hours to recall ALL their names.

I want to make good impressions on the people that I will meet in future. I don’t want to just be known as the nice, short, well-mannered, pretty good looking guy. (Ok, yes to a certain extent, yes..) I want to really be known as the guy who really cares and is a really awesome christian. Just that and I know that I have been good and faithful to my Lord.

My heart aches

The worse thing that I absolutely hate is hate it self. I believe that all hate is brewed by a certain amount of miscommunication or misunderstanding. And this is absolutely the work of the devil who distorts truths and blinds us from seeing it.

Paul advised the Philippians this in Phi4:4-8:

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

It totally makes sense. Yes it does. But this is beyond mere encouragement from apostle Paul, this is a command. And commands are never easy to abide by. We try so hard daily to live by this but at the end all our work are but like filthy rags, and no wonder since we are carnal by nature. What we fail to do is to simply ask and to have our minds renewed by the Lord daily. For if we are able to be renewed by God and God alone, we will be able to see from Jesus’ perspective – We will see the fullest of joy and peace. There shall we rejoice.

Well, I am certainly not excluded from this. I still harbour hatred from when I was young. I really desire to love but its so difficult.. Only because I fail time and time again to return to Jesus.

Oh God help me! Be the center of it all. Help me see from your eyes Lord.
Heal this ache of mine..

Rest, now

Australia was so fun. It was jammed pack with activities, good food and great fellowship. I do miss it and i would definitely have to blog about it soon. Having returned from Australia, it is now back to the hustle and bustle of meeting people and just returning to exciting ministry life.

I had so much to do and so many people i wanted to meet again. Though i’ve been gone for only 11 days, it feels that i have not met the most of them for months. Finally being back, i felt the rush of wanting to head out to meet them all again. Even though i had an ulcer and gum pain that was most likely caused by heatiness and a lack of rest, i neglected and still went for leaders’ circle, watch a midnight movie with a few of the guys, woke up early to play soccer there after, head to G2 for service and cell and then head out to meet my mom and grandma for dinner in Ang Mo Kio. The next day i’ve pre-teens ministry in the morning at G2 once again and i’ve a party at night to go to and i’ve so  many things in stored and it all sounds that great – Till i realise that i have to just

STOP.

I was feeling breathless. Absolutely breathless. Like a fish out of water. My nose was not all that blocked, my lungs just felt heavy and overworked. My eyes were dead, my body weak and my focus hay-wired.

I thank God for my mom who indirectly convicted me on 2 occasions to spend time at home. One was the night on Saturday. I have expected to have dinner with either the shepherds or head out to meet the guys at playnation, but knowing that i might not be home for dinner on Sunday, i felt the need to head home instead. I got to meet my grandma in that process and i felt that it was a good time spent catching up with her and knowing how she’s doing. Because of that, i was given the opportunity to rest in the car and then at home. My chest was lighter and my ulcers felt less painful.

The other occasion is the birthday party that i was suppose to attend. I asked her for permission the night before (yes, i still do ask for permission. I think its only good that i still do even though i am this old. haha) and she replied me with an indefinite answer that was tinged with unhappiness. I made the call not to go in the end and once again i had a good chance to rest at home. It is not clear all the time, but i believe that if we honor our parents, we will benefit from it, whether directly or indirectly.

I realise that things will always require planning, friends will always be there, events will always continually happen even if they do once a year, work must always be done, but rest MUST happen in order for all the other things to be done with efficiency.

And now, rest in the Lord. Much needed rest in the Lord.

Retreat to advance: A change of plans with a plan of changes

Grace Retreat

I must say that this year’s Grace Retreat was the bomb! The jammed pack activities were both exciting and shameless in every way. But the one thing i thought i really enjoyed the most were the times where i could have HTHT (heart-to-heart-talk) or just a nice chat with both the youths and close friends that i have not met in a quite a long while. And i do hope to do that soon enough again.

I signed up for Grace Retreat this year longing for a good getaway – From work, from responsibilities, from family, from Singapore. But due to the nature of this year’s youth program, it was impossible to really get a good retreat. It felt more like a youth camp actually! I had a pretty tough time handling the 4 + 1 (1 extra boy kept coming to join the rest of his friends) sec2 boys. I had to manage their over enthusiasm, their indifference, their lack of involvement, their lack of tact and so many more things at the same time. Sounds tough? Yeah it was! But i still enjoyed the process because it left me with a change in perspective – To just enjoy their presence and love them. Through this retreat i could sense the growth that each of them have gone through ever since last year. And it isnt just subtle growth that requires immense eye squinting, but it was obvious growth. Above all it reminded me that they were just sec2s wanting to have some fun – harmless fun. The only harm they did was to my expectations of them which i quickly learnt to manage. These boys are hungry and genuine in relationships. How to not enjoy their presence and love them?

Fathers’ day preparation and celebration

The day after the end of retreat, the plaster leaders came together to bake cupcakes for the fathers of Grace Assembly as we were involved in a special project with the children’s church in blessing our fathers. It was really nice to kick back and just enjoy each others presence as we ate, baked and most importantly – played. We finished baking, icing and packaging all the cupcakes by around 10pm and by then we were all very worn out. But our Super Andrea had to continue with the Fathers’ day video back at home till 3am. I really admire her passion and the amount of energy that she so willingly puts in in service. I am so grateful to have her on board leading the sec1s and befrienders ministry alongside me.

Fathers’ day came and boy was it exciting! The sight of the children rushing out to bless their fathers with a hand made key chain, a pretty cupcake and awesome Neutrogena body foam wash was plain precious. How i wish i was a dad then! I am very sure that the fathers felt very appreciated and that they enjoyed the gifts that they received. We blessed our physical fathers with such gifts. But we praised and worship our spiritual father with our acts of love and service.

Shepherd’s Retreat

Day 1

Bro Joey and i had to rush to the ferry terminal immediately after the second service and i must say that Uncle Patrick Toh is an angel sent from God. Just when we needed to teleport to the harbour, he appeared and offered a ride. God provides in amazing ways!

The boat ride up to Batam gave Bro Joey and i a good time to HTHT and catch up. We had so many good laughs! I thank God for such an awesome mentor that really believes in me. As always, even though the time spent together was not intentional, i always have something to take away and think about and i thank God for that as well.

Hitting the hotel and meeting the rest of the shepherds, i vividly recall telling myself that, “Its about time that you can retreat Keith. WHOOO!”. And that is where my crazy sanguine appeared. Lately i feel that my sanguine has been diluted due to the amount of things that i have to concentrate on – now this isnt bad at all. But the opportunity to just let loose felt really nice.

That night, David and i led the Shepherds to a small roadside BBQ seafood place just behind Nagoya Hill shopping mall. Though it was smokey and reeked of fried belachan chilli, i enjoyed the good food, the really good teh botol (we candidly pronounced it Boh-Toll the whole time. HAHA.), and the really awesome company. Not to mention that we only payed a remarkable S$10 for a really good spread!

We headed back for the hotel and started the first of our reflections. Dials on a Dashboard required us to look into our lives and begin compartmentalising them. I came up with 16 different dials -

1) Faith life
2) Media life
3) Teaching life
4) Mentoring life
5) Relationship life
6) Brotherhood life
7) Leadership life
8) Physical life
9) Social life
10) Leisure life
11) Financial life
12) Family life
13) Competency life
14) Reflective life
15) Evangelism life
16) Emotional life

We had to give a grade ranging from A+ to F for each of the dials and write down truthfully why we gave ourselves such grades. We then wrote down around 1 to 3 steps to up(a)grade. This process was very painful to do. Honestly i did not enjoy it as it plainly showed me that there are so many things in my life that are just not where they should be. Also it reminded me that i’ve gone through this evaluation before whether consciously or not. The problem is that there has not been any change since then. Though i did not enjoy it, i have to embrace it to grow in the Lord. Change is always uncomfortable but it is needed!

I had a very good chat with David that night about how we felt where we were. Though it was a chat that only 40year old men would have, i think it was good because we needed it. We havent had such a good chat in quite a while and it really revealed that we both clearly wanted more. But to give more, we need to continually return to the source of all life. Our God. Imagine being in a place where you are and you know that you are right smack in the centre of God’s will. How amazingly joyful that would be! Everything would come because you know that God is in charge. WOW.

Day 2

The next morning, devotion was done on Heb12:7-13, a verse that Yixian shared the night before. The one thing that really struck me was that God allows every Christian to go through hardships not because He enjoys to see us struggle but because He loves us and does what is necessary for us. There is practically nothing to gain for God in doing these things for us. It is plainly out of His immense love that he has. It is wonderful to know that when we go through struggles, we are never alone in it. God is always there.

The rest of the morning was spent over a really good breakfast and another time of reflection. We evaluated the achievements that we have individually accomplished over the past 6 months. We also then shared on how we felt about our achievements. It was obvious that there was regret in everyone’s voices as we all believed that we could have done more. The ‘gek’ (stuck) feeling that we all felt from the night before returned. I believe that in the presence of the Lord, there is both judgement and healing. It was there where we felt the presence of God in our hearts and where we supported one another.

That afternoon, Dave, Bradley, Melfam, Melwee, Yixian and i head off to play water sports! Though the cab fare was costly, i thank God that the water sports were not. We managed to go on the exciting banana boat ride which landed all of us in the water. Sitting all the way at the back, i was shouting out directions to lean to so that we would not all fall off. But i was secretly already bracing for the fall. Just before we fell in, i put both feet on the same side that we would fall into and dived gracefully into the water. I think the rest had quite an impact overturning into the sea. HAHA. A few of them went for the jet-ski ride and then we all went canoeing together. Being in the most competitive boat with Melfam, our main goal was to ram the other 2 canoes and splash as much water as possible at them, then rush off to safety. I think we did a pretty good job at that. (Hi 5 mel!)

Night came and we were once again in hotel room 710 for another reflective time. This time we sorted out our achievements in chronological order and we labeled them Building (activities that builds the church up), Equipping (activities that equips our sheeps) and Winning (activities that win souls). We came to the common agreement that we were lacking Winning activities. We also learnt that in the process of winning, the other 2 would have to be done as well. It was a really good shift in perspective and i dare say that we can look forward to more of such activities soon enough. EXCITING! We then spent the night intentionally encouraging one another. It was such an insightful time where many of us got to hear compliments of ourselves that we were not the least bit aware that we were doing. We did that all the way till 3am and though we were all very tired, it left everyone grateful for we knew that we had the grace of  God in our lives.

Day 3

That morning after breakfast, we finished the time of reflections with a topic on reconciliation. We thought of the people that we have either offended or been offended by. It was a really tough moment for me as i’ve a few of such broken relationships. I would really require the grace of God to start this process of reconciliation.

The trip ended with a bit of shopping, then the boat ride where we played Dixit and finally a dinner back on home ground.

Overall, the retreat was a time that i thoroughly enjoyed spending with this family that God has given each of us. It was very nice to know that we have all grown together, better, stronger and more united than before. It felt really easy to relax with one another without any pretense or agenda and at the same time, speak life into one another. This is what a family should be like! I thank God for this group of beautiful and exceptional people that i can serve alongside with. (this includes all the bros and sistas that were unable to join us! WE MISS YOU!) I now feel that we are all more ready to advance for the kingdom of God. I cant wait for the next time we go for another retreat. Indeed we are family.

So good, its Beautiful

I spent the whole day at home, not just because i can or just because i have nothing else to do, but because i wanted to get quite a few things done – mostly ministry related things. But being alone the whole time for me, a Sang-Phleg, was tiring yet therapeutic.

Tiring because i became increasingly restless even though i was doing so many things at the same time – At one point i was doing up the present for my super friend, watching tv, browsing facebook on my laptop and munching on some fruits. Looking back, im pretty impressed that i could do all that at the same time. But all the same i was restless. It was therapeutic only because it was simply a time for me to nuah. And believe me when i say that i really love nuah-ing..

But besides being restless and nuah, being alone really brought out my melancholy. My mind wandered while i wandered across facebook checking out the accounts of my friends from army, secondary school and even primary school. And as i saw how much they kept in contact with their old classmates and how many outings they went out together as a group, i grew a little jealous and sentimental. And alone.

I realised that i never really made good friends from either the schools or army. I never really understood why i didn make an effort to make quality friendships. I guess somehow we never did ‘click’ well enough for quality friendships to be forged. Yes i regret it. And yes the feeling sucks.

The sucky feeling really hit hard once it was night, nearing 10pm. That was where i couldn take it anymore and i told myself i needed to go out of home and just spend some time praying. I decided to take a run first then walk the park and pray. And that was when God moved.

Nope God didn move while i was praying in the park. He didn move while i was running. He didn move while i was walking to the park or warming up. God moved immediately right after i made the decision to go run and pray, before i could even begin to do anything. God moved in the form of a phone call from my brother (Real, blood brother) asking me if i wanna join the rest of the brothers (Not real brothers) for supper at DC’s place. It was very surprising, but it brought such a warm feeling to my heart. God reminded me that i was not alone. That i still had this close group of friends.

As we lazed at the jetty at the reservoir near DC’s place, i realised that its such quality, Godly friendships that really matters at the end of the day. These are friendships that i can most certainly say is lifelong only because we all have 1 common belief – that is that we serve the one and only true God. Though i still yearn to gain back all the lost social circles, im thankful and contented that God has blessed me with such good friends that i can always count on. That is when the sucky feeling left while a warm, secure, feeling took over.

God will make all things good for those who love Him. He took my worries and turned it to joy.
God, you win! You make all things so good, its Beautiful.

Rebuild my heart, revive it Lord

Revival service was phenomenal. The Lord truly dealt with my heart in way that was unexpected simply because Revival has never struck me like that before. I am now left broken.

Before revival service, my heart had too much discontentment in it. I asked for it – and the Lord delivered. But it was needed and i believe that the Lord placed a burden in my heart for a reason. I saw the irreverence not just in myself but all around me. It was something that troubled me greatly, yet something I could not change nor effect immediately. I just do not know how. Worship from the worship team is really really great but our congregation is flat. Their posture alone paints the picture of their heart of worship. Now that was just one thing I saw. There is definitely more things we could all work upon if we truly want to enter the presence of the Lord. But the problem did not just lie with the congregation. I was to blame as well. I was self-righteous and this became my obsession – my heart was in the wrong condition, that of not ready to enter the presence of the Lord let alone for revival. It came to a point where I knew that some would experience revival, but definitely not the whole R@ge. I became a cynic.

During revival service, the Lord showed me two things.

The first was me in a cave that had many walls. The walls were black and I tried constantly to break them down. Every time a wall fell, another emerged behind. I began to grow tired and then finally I stopped. And admired the wall.

The second was that I was in a forest filled with numerous trees. The trees were identical and they surrounded me. I was lost for direction. I then felt a mighty wind that took all the trees away. What came after was a whisper from God. I could not hear what it said though.

Let me interpret what these visions meant. The first was that I had to deal with the sin in my heart. The Lord wanted me to not be obsessed with sin or getting rid of it. Rather to be obsessed with Him. The second is that I had to get rid of the numerous distractions in my life that took me away from the Lord. I need to seek for direction again. And just like Elijah, it is not the wind that i should seek but the still small voice that came after it. I need to restart all over to learn to just hear from God.

The really broke me down that night. I pray that as I have been broken down, may God help me rebuild on solid rock once again.

I was left broken, to be restored again.

 

Rely

I’ve always wondered why we humans, a race that is blessed with intellect supreme over all other organisms, a race that has come so far into technology and manipulating our surroundings such that it has both now, almost a mind of its own, does things out of ignorance or plain indulgence.

Just moments ago I had the sudden cravings just to chew on some nerds. The time now is 12:28am in the morning and knowing perfectly that the only thing I can possibly get out of such sinful indulgence is an expanded waistline and restlessness that will refuse me rest later on, I still gave in. On top of that, I had 1 piece of exquisite nougat (that doesn’t taste as awesome as described on the box. Meh.) and half a box of cut pineapples (this box of pineapples definitely burst my intake of calories for the day) after that. Why do I eat so much of such things when I know very well that it would do me no good?

Now in between that and me posting this post, I went on Facebook to post a note on one of my group’s walls. Now this is fine because that post was necessary. But what was unnecessary was that I then spent the next 15mins wasted on a Facebook game about killing zombies. I find the game quite lousy but at the same time secretly addictive. It does from time to time dawn on me that is does me no good whatsoever. It doesn’t even work my mind like how DOTA would. (DOTA defended.) But still I gave in to it.

Now this got me thinking of all the other times that I’ve wasted lazing around and not doing anything or just watching useless television programs. I’m sure there is a scientific explanation for this like how our brain switches off to rest or some other needed enzyme or blah blah is release when we do blah blah blah. But frankly it won’t suffice for me. Simply because our God is a God of purpose and He created us all with the same characteristic. Why do we waste our time on things of no purpose then?

I believe it is because there is not a full reliance on God. If there is total reliance, the words we say, the things we do, the things we think about should be led by God through His Holy Spirit in us. This means that even the choice of food can be dictated. It sounds extreme but if we are spirit-controlled, I believe that we will all prosper in health, studies and in everything that we do. This total reliance does not result in us losing freedom but to gain freedom – to live free from sin in God’s presence and to have the fullest of joy.

Why would we want to be in control when we have a God who knows EVERYTHING? It doesn’t make sense! Its like a toddler trying to fly a jet plane and refusing help from a real trained pilot sitting right behind him. We’re bound to crash when we do not rely completely. If Jesus required the Holy Spirit to do the work of the Lord, then what more us?

When there is total commitment, there is total reliance. When there is total reliance, there is total protection.

I want to rely on you, God, in everything that I do. Is that possible Lord? I believe so, only because what You say is true and that You said that in Phil4:13 – “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.”.